Eh.. I'm really liking her more and more.. Dunno if it's good or bad.

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Funny feeling

It's kinda an odd feeling. Although I already love her, yet I find myself loving her more and more each passing day. I want to tell her all my feelings for her, tell her that I'll always be there for her.

Is it infatuation? I don't know. But I want to find out.

I don't want to rush things as there are certain hurdles we each have to overcome. And I know that God has his time and plan. So I'll have to do things as how the situation progresses.

Right now, I should just do my best in my service and responsibility. Matters of the heart just have a lower priority.

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God has his plans.. I know that very well.. Yet I can't find myself believing that. I want to see you well and healthy. The usual bubbly girl that I know. But it's not happening and I don't foresee that happening. I really want to question God but I know I can't do so, I want to know why, but I can't. It's really frustrating and irritating. I don't know what to say anymore..

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alamak.. how untimely can it get..

there's always light at the end of the tunnel

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oh? my fault? Maybe I should reflect on myself then..

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I'm scared.. very scared...

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I don't want to be caught in the middle.. It's more or less my fault if it eventually comes to a situation which I don't know how to handle.. How How?

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decision-making

Hmm.. Guess I have to think properly before I make the decision.

But on the other hand.. will she support me if I take up the decision? Will she make the sacrifices that come with it?

That's something that I don't know. All I know is that it's now a matter between God and me, no 3rd party involved.

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Every time I bare my inner most thoughts and feelings to her. I just know that I can't lose such a good friend like her. I really treasure her friendship and I know it has to end some place in time if either of us get attached. Maybe that's why I have feelings for her.. maybe that's why I can't bear to let go.. Maybe everything should not have started at all, so that things won't have progressed till this stage where I cherish the virtual times we 'spend'.

There are certain things I know I can never do. Though it pains my heart not to do it but I just pray that one day things will be better and I can finally not be stuck in the middle anymore.

if you wanna maintain only a working relationship with me.. I'm fine by it but tell me la.. You don't think I can take it right? It's more hurting for me to guess what you are doing than you tell me straight..

i feel hated..

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An Oath

It's not going to be easy.. It's going to be a tough obstacle.. But I'll now give my word that I'll be different 2 years from now.. I'll really try my best.. As of now, I'll not give any thought to the whole thing anymore until I am a little different from now.

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why why why why why?

I hate myself...

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is it me that is thinking too much? Should I just take things at face value?

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忽冷忽热的她，有时真的搞到我不知应该怎么样来应付。

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for the time being

For now.. I'll do what I do best.. wait and wait.. twin is right.. i'm 痴情 but what to do when she's like that?

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sigh..

I can't help it if I'm too childish for you.. Maybe I shun even hold on to this thought anymore.. Maybe I shun even have started to have feelings for you.. Maybe our paths will never cross.. But my heart tells me otherwise.. Can I listen to my heart and not my mind? I don't know.. I'm just being an idiot if I let myself to wallow in my current state.. But I don't know how to change!! I know I shouldn't change just for you that's why I'm hoping you would accept the me that I present to you. But do consider that people will grow old and change, I might be a different me 10, 20 years down the road, the childish me will disappear. It might be that you have the missing pieces to fill in the gaps of level-headedness that my childishness creates, it might be that your seriousness complements my bo-chupness over things. Please, if by any chance you read this. All that I've said is from the bottom of my heart, and even if things don't come to pass.. I pray to God that you will always be happy, full of laughter and smiles until you breathe your last.

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toss and turn

received a birthday gift from her.. the birthday note/card inside is giving me a mixture of feelings. I know I shouldn't be reading too much into things and neither should I second guess stuff but seems to me that there is just this unknown barrier between us while communicating verbally that we have to do it through other means like notes, msn, sms, email.. that unknown barrier is something that is causing us to hold back our emotions towards each other.. If only there is a way to break through the barrier but I know God has his time and plans so why should I bother.

Nonetheless, I just feel so happy and the book's good too.. hahaz.. i'm so easily contended.

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maybe i'm just thinking too much.. but still the lingering thought is there.. I really hate it when things are like that.. my fault? her fault? or it's just some 3rd party? bah.. I really wish I know the answers..

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why can't i explain what I'm feeling inside? I'm so pissed at myself. Is there anything I can do? Is she really going to treat me this way? Just because of me being more forward? Idiot me..

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troubled

Maybe I shun spend so much time in virtual reality.. I should spend my time wisely doing things that I should be doing.. Maybe then I'll really be a better person..

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Sometimes I dunno what is going on inside her mind. But as the optimistic me, I just get to know her a little better after every 'mishap'. Well.. the end of the whole matter wasn't what I was looking for, but I've prayed about it and it really feels much better. It's great knowing that I can always go to the Lord with every single whim and it feels kinda surreal giving him everything that I am burdened with. Thanks for being there, Lord.

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I'm afraid.. very afraid. I'm scared of the response.. I'm scared of the outcome.. I'm a coward to the bones!!

Maybe I shouldn't harbour any thought of it at all.. Let's just remain as friends..

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an unexpected turn of events

well.. things aren't progressing as bad as I thought.. As what I've said previously, I'm literally waiting for things to happen. sp said I should not be condescending but I don't actually think I am. I will continue and wait for miracles for I trust that God has a good plan for me always. 10, 20 years down the road, I may look back to this day and regret for not taking any actions but I know when my life ceases to be and God shows me my whole life in detail, I'll praise Him for His countless mercies and guidance in all the days of my life.

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duh..

All's that between us is this stupid computer screen that I'm staring into right now.. Although it's only a few cm thick but it seems it's thousands and thousands of miles that distance us. I just don't understand what's the problem.. maybe i never will...

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Prepared?

To say that I'm prepared for a relationship is an understatement totally. I can't even handle her mood swings!!! Bah.. But at least I'm glad that the storm is over. And I get to know things and her a little better.

Seriously, I was anything but prepared for that seemingly 'hostile' question that day and I thought that I should consider things all over again. Haz. But give it some time to simmer.. things will progress better and better..

I love surprises!! hahaz

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Affirmative

The verdict is out.. our friendship is pretty strained.. I dunno what's wrong with me.. or is it her or some other forces at work. Maybe I should really give this whole matter a good rest. Pick it up a year or two later. I know I have been saying that I'm not going to do anything but I have actually been harbouring a secret hope of things progressing. But now, I'm seriously going to put the whole issue behind me and focus on what is the most important for the time being. If God willing, I'm sure things will still stay the way I left them.

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Down Time?

Somehow or rather, I feel that we are drifting instead of getting closer. I don't really know what is happening. But lately, the thing that ties us together doesn't seem that clear anymore. I'm not in a mood swing or what but with reference to my previous two post. The current situation has kinda changed. I'm just feeling the drag of things which by right should not be happening. I'm really baffled now. Lord, help and guide me?

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Just a simple boy with a simple mind

Call me simple or what.. but I'm really just content with the way things are right now. Of course, I'd be glad if it could develop to something more, but if it's like this, I think I can live with it. No regrets.

Actually I don't even know what I'm talking about..

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Ponder this

I just feel that we are heading in a positive direction but as to what the end will be I have completely no idea. I don't want to hurt her more than she hurting me. Maybe I'm just afraid of the result. Maybe I don't wish to see the result. More or less, I like the current situation. Us encouraging and supporting each other. Joking and gossiping with each other. Sharing weal and woe. I really treasure this friendship, something which I know will fade away if either of us gets attached/married. It seems that what I'm feeling is just the fear of losing this good friend. But do I really want to keep her close to me forever? Should I even be doing that?

Somehow I just wish things would just lay out before me but I know God has a plan for her and a plan for me. If this 2 plans do intersect, they will, if they run parallel, they will forever not meet. I can put my faith in God totally for I know He has brought me through so much and only He knows what the best for me. I just have to be patient and wait. He has been faithful and so I'll be.

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It's hard?

Is it that hard to find a girl that us flawless before mom and dad?

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Oh.. so it's you?

I just don't know why there is this hidden barrier that prevents us from talking properly. She says that she still finds that she can't talk properly to me. Is the problem me or her then? Not that there's an answer to this question, but I believe that even if this is a normal friendship, we should at least be able to talk like friends in person. I should not even hold on to any notion that she's going to be the special one and just talk to her properly. It's going to be tough for me to change my mindset, but in order to get us talking, that's something I have to do.

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oh please..

I'm a 23 year old youth, not a 3 year old kid.. Stop talking to me in that way.

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Questions and Questions

Ok, I'm not angry at the person who leaked the stuff out. Neither am I going to look for people to keep them quiet. I think the problem is me. Because without me, none of these things would have happened. I mean I don't care if they are talking about me. I have enough stuff to fill the paparazzi papers. But to drag her in? Oh, now that's really inconsiderate of me.

Why did I have to like her in the first place?

It's all my fault that it has come to this isn't it?

I find that something that F said a while back is kinda true - I'm a person who has no secrets. My secrets are too open to the public.

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Me and Her

On the whole, I don't think our friendship is anywhere but just mere friends. We might be close and stuff but being very objective, I don't ever foresee any thing developing from there. Not that I'm telling myself that it's not possible but somehow I know that they way our current friendship is heading, it's going to reach a critical point of closeness just as friends - like the many guy friends she has. It might due to the problem in age, in thinking, in outside life. I don't really know but all I know is that I'm not 痴情 because it's not like I'll die without her. Maybe it's a little, because I'm holding on to the thinking of either her or no one else. But definitely not to an extent of extreme 痴情. I'm just happy to know that I can be at her side when she needs people to give her all the help she needs. If it takes forever, then so be it.

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Surreal

P wasn't feeling quite alright so before she went offline, we prayed an online prayer together for her. It feels kinda surreal but it's the first time I did it for anyone and I think it feels nice that someone is actually praying for you mentally if not 'verbally'. I'm not banking on the notion that these are courtship tactics but as a close friend I feel that I should do this much for her. It's really a curious wonder to me why we can't take our offline relationship the way our online one looks. Is the problem me or her?

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Relationships

As a normal male, it's at this age where we start looking for a mate. This post is not about my expectations of a mate but it is going to be a critical discussion on my observations on relationships and my thinking of it.

Over the past 2 years or so, I have been observing boy-girl relationships. Young couples in public transport, in school, in church, outside and etc. They all come in different patterns and different types. But one thing I know for certain, these relationships are secular in nature. It's all driven by feelings and emotions of love. Not that I'm criticizing them but that's my feel to it.

To me, an ideal BGR should be built on the love and respect for each other. It's going to be as solemn as a marriage cos the exact end of each relationship must be a marriage, hence no playing around with feelings. Having said this, I have to state that I am not a strong proponent of love at first sight. What I'm trying to bring across is that before we fall head over heels into any relationship, we have to think rationally, assess the whole situation. The quote "Love is beyond reason" doesn't have a place in my dictionary. On the contrary,  it is because love is beyond reason hence we have to understand our own reasons of embarking into a relationship.

The whole process of courtship should have a focus and theme. Not just dates with the guy trying to impress the girl but each date must have an objective or at least a focal point. A date is not lovey-dovey, all love talk, showing love for each other and nothing. Yes, they are part of a date but do consider the date as a component in the larger scheme of the relationship. A date should be an occasion where you use to get to know each other better, more. I don't mean physical, but spiritual, mental and emotional. The reason why divorce rates are rising is because none of these groundwork is being done in the courtship phase. Courtship is more than dinner dates and movie outings, serious conversations of each other should be the topic of the dinner table.

I do not claim to be an expert in relationships. Reason being, I have not been in one yet. But it is the precisely the reason why I'm writing this. A relationship is a serious matter concerning two parties, any failed attempt would mean emotional scarring for either one or both parties. I don't want to hurt people more than people hurt me, neither do I want to live with regrets, I hope you too don't want to live with regrets ya?

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After the rain

I had a long talk with P regarding my emotional health. She's pretty objective about it and gave some pretty good advice. Not that other friends give rubbish advice, but as someone I hold dear to, she is quite ok with the fact that I'm not that a perfect person as I always portray myself to be. And that's something I like her for. She doesn't write someone off at all, she feels that there's always some good quality in that person. Back to topic, it's definitely unhealthy to be like me, cooping all my emotions inside. But I have an outlet so I should be ok. Quote from P "It's ok to be happy, but do let people know when u are sad." Yup. I know. It's going to be hard, but I just got to do it. To P, if you are reading this and you know who you are, thanks for listening to my long stories and stuff. Likewise, I'll be around when you need me to listen to yours do, (like I always do). Sometimes I really wish that our age can be switched but it's not going to be a reality so I'll see how it goes as each day goes by.

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Tired... really

After today's first meeting with my committee, I really have doubts over my organization, leadership abilities. I feel like such a loser. It's not even the start of the new year and I'm starting to doubt myself. I don't want my comm to be aimless, yet the one who is aimless is me, the chairperson. I'm feeling so negative about it but I have to put on a smiley face to all of them, because for the past years, that's me to them. But, now, I'm no longer the happy go lucky, confident, capable person I once was. I'm someone who is pessimistic, easily depressed. Yet, I am putting on a mask to all to tell all that I'm alright. I'm getting tired of this mask, I want to be sad, to be weak. I want people to understand I'm in need of support. But the mask prevents me. The mask makes people come to me for support, makes people trust me with their troubles.

Can I reject them?
Can I tear off my mask?
Can I be back to normal?

The Blog

After a long time of writing a private journal, I've decided to start this blog. It will be used to journal all the emotions, thoughts, actions, that I have let it mess around inside of me. I have another blog which records my life in general. This blog will be a secret blog from my friends and family. I don't want them to worry about me or to know some of my secrets thus I'll remain anonymous. Not that I want to keep secrets from them, but there are some things called personal breathing space.

This will be an outlet for me to shout whatever I want, a release and a place for me to look back and maybe laugh at some of the silly thoughts I had.